Sunday, 26 March 2017

Perfect For The Job

Mr Perfect has decided to apply for a new job to further his career. He is convinced that using the right terminology will help him stand out from all the other candidates and jobseekers, and get him on the interview shortlist. He has of course studied shorthand to add to his impressive array of talents and has used his vocabulary list for this particular subject to flesh out his application letter and snag his dream job. Here is the job advert* to which he is replying, which appears to have been written by someone with a similar list of jargon, buzzwords and clich├ęs that are doing the rounds at the moment*, and I am sure Mr Perfect will fit into this environment perfectly.

* "advert" Helpful to insert the first vowel, as this full outline is similar to the contraction for  "advertise/d/ment"

* Omission phrase "at (the) moment"

We are a very successful tech* start-up company, with a wide range of activities and a top notch market position. Our exciting and inspirational management team have established a prestigious and influential business which is set to become the prominent* leader in its field in a short space of time*. Our resounding success means that we are now looking to increase our staffing levels in our Information Technology and Computing department and we are seeking a highly qualified, committed and confident individual to join our brilliant team of busy, imaginative and forward thinking Technical Engineers.

* "tech" It is possible to use this first syllable in an omission phrase e.g. "tech(nical) college", so always write "tech" on its own, not in a phrase

* "prominent" See for "prominent, permanent, pre-eminent"

* Omission phrase "short space (of) time"

You will be working in a fun, vibrant and buzzy* environment, ably led by a go-getting* high-flying operations manager. You will need to be an incredibly* dynamic, outgoing, passionate* and energised person with impressive qualifications and experience, able to work in a fast-paced role with ever-changing priorities and deadlines, which is not for the faint-hearted. You will be an integral member of a super friendly team, under an ultra-demanding yet inspirational team leader. You will be part of a close-knit group of individuals, in an exceptionally* creative environment, producing innovative ideas from their rich pool of talent and experience.

* "buzzy" Insert vowel, so it is not misread as "busy"

* "incredibly" "exceptionally" Insert the last vowel, as "incredible" "exceptional" could also make sense here

* "go-getting" Uses the short form "go" so no vowel needed there

* "passionate" Compare with the outline for "patient" P+Upward Ish+Nt

This post will start as part-time, with a view to becoming full-time, or we may consider* a short or long-term* contract for the right person. We have a graded salary band, with plenty of opportunity to rise to the top and enjoy the due rewards of super-efficiency* and solid achievement. Our new offices are ultra-smart and super-funky, as befits the professionalism of our slick and goal-driven organisation. The job base location has excellent transport links to both the city and the exclusive and prosperous commuter* belt on the outskirts of this vibrant and happening location.

* Omission phrase "may (con)sider"

* "long-term" Keep the Ing proper length, to prevent misreading as "longer"

* "super-efficiency" In this sentence "efficient" could also make sense, so it would be helpful to insert a dot vowel at the end, although this is not strict theory

* "commuter" Keep the dot and vowel clear, as "outer" would make sense in this context

The key benefits and perks  include provision of a company car, generous pension scheme, flexible holiday entitlement, and bonuses for superior performance and target achievements. Our human* resources staff can give advice on career enhancement programmes and mentoring, child day-care options and choices in flexible working programmes. Package details will vary subject to negotiation. Apply now for this fantastic opportunity for self-advancement in the pioneering and cutting-edge world of computer development.

* "human" Special outline, above the line to accord with the last vowel, and "humane" is written on the line

Dear Sirs, I would like to apply for the post of Technical Engineer in your city office. I am confident that I have the necessary qualities to fulfil the role requirements. I am a highly trained and extremely disciplined individual, who is genuinely passionate about this industry.  I have excellent computing and numerical skills, and I am a super-user of database and spreadsheet programmes, computer troubleshooting and programming languages. I am degree educated in advanced computer science  but also commercially savvy, having gained considerable experience in organisational and communication skills.

My main strength is my problem solving ability. I am a solutions driven person and positively thrive in a dynamic, lively and energetic situation. I can assure you I will hit the ground running, and I have an honest and frank muck-in attitude. I always strive for perfection to the best of my ability* and have a strong sense of initiative, as well as being an excellent communicator. I am a super switched-on team player and totally driven to achieve the highest quality of work and output. I am well able to multi-task with rapidly changing priorities. I am not fazed by last minute* changes and always have a contingency plan up my sleeve so that I am always on top of the game. I am bright, sharp, dedicated, capable, ambitious and adaptable*. I aim to facilitate every aspect of the work for my fellow technicians, colleagues and superiors.

* Omission phrase "bes(t of) my ability" Using the B stroke for the suffix "-ability" as the whole word

* Omission phrase "las(t) minute" Keep the T straight, so it does not look like "last month"

* "adaptable" Always insert the vowel after the D in "adopt" and "adapt" and derivatives

I have a gritty determination to provide outstanding performance, acute attention to detail, and critical appraisal of my completed assignments. I am sure I will stand out in your estimation as a one in a million person of the highest calibre, with proven 5-star skills, and will certainly live up to your requirement for that special someone who has the X Factor. I am not a one-trick hotshot but a person of proven intelligence who can work under pressure, able to handle anything and anticipate needs ahead of time. I will be a credible, honest, enthusiastic and articulate member of your team of technically competent and talented people.

I have a strong academic record and advanced computing technology skills. I have gained nationally* recognised qualifications for this post and have a record of proven experience in the field. I have worked in varied, busy and demanding roles, adhering to the highest standards and ensuring that everything flows seamlessly. I have a solid background of keeping up with an intense diary of commitments, working to tight deadlines, juggling priorities, and rising to the challenge of the role responsibilities*. I believe I am the ideal candidate for this challenging, meaty and rewarding post, which I would perform with supreme efficiency. I attach my CV for your perusal which lists my qualifications and work experiences, and people willing to give character references. Yours most sincerely, Mr I B Perfect

* "nationally" Insert the last vowel, as "national" would also make sense

* "responsibilities" The contraction is only used for the singular

Mr Perfect’s sister is not so high flying, and being more of a slow but reliable and dependable plodder, she has come to the conclusion* that a reasonably sedate and calm administrative* role would suit her temperament much better than her brother’s more ambitious ideals. She has decided to post her details on a CV website and see if there is a good response* rate from prospective employers. It would appear that her brother has been helping her to compose her write-up, using all the words and phrases that he felt were not quite suitable for his own application.

* Omission phrase "come (to the con)clusion"

* "administrative" Omits the R

* "response" Always insert the second vowel, so that it is never misread as "responsibility"

I am seeking an administrative* post where I can use my extensive experience in the day-to-day running of an office situation. I have a flexible attitude to work and can work on my own initiative, and I aim to be a true right hand support to my immediate superior. I have the capacity to perform well under pressure, and although I understand the stresses and strains this can bring to the environment, I am extremely well organised and able to implement the best ideas and methods to prioritise my workload. I am always able to achieve a flawless presentation of the work required in such circumstances. I am calm and approachable, with bags of common sense, a good humoured* and can-do* attitude, and excellent interpersonal skills.

* "administrative" Omits the R

* "can-do" Using both short forms

* "humoured" The M is not thickened, that would be a halved "Imper/Imber" stroke e.g. "hampered"

I have a good grasp of both governmental and commercial environments, and can be a complete lynch-pin in my area of responsibility. My communication skills are second to none, enabling me to achieve the required business and commercial objectives. I am able to provide highly polished presentations, both in writing, and at meetings, events and conferences, with an emphasis on meticulous* and well-presented facts and figures*, and other relevant information. I have maturity and gravitas, an impeccable and immaculate* dress sense, and a helpful and friendly telephone manner. I will provide an extremely warm, personable* and helpful approach, and liaise articulately and intelligently with staff, clients and customers. I know how to deal with sensitive and confidential information in a discreet and totally respectful manner, and my loyalty and discretion will be unquestionable.

* "meticulous" "immaculate" These could look similar if not neatly written, and their meanings are close as well

* Omission phrase "fac(t)s (and) figures". If this sentence had been "facts, figures and other relevant information" then you would not use the phrase.

* "personable" Insert the dash vowel, as it is similar in outline and meaning to "presentable"

I have previously worked at a recruitment agency* and an out-placement organisation. I supervised the creation of a resettlement programme, running employability and life skills courses, and this has given me the experience to deal with people at all levels. If you require a well-presented, well-rounded, resilient, exceptionally competent and confident person, with an outstandingly mature attitude, to provide traditional administrative and secretarial support and backup, I have the requisite* qualities and skills to accomplish this for you, as an integral part of your team, thus contributing to the smooth and super-efficient running and ultimate success of your organisation. (1415 words)

* "agency" Note that "agent" uses hook N

* "requisite" Insert the last vowel, as it is similar in outline and meaning to "requested"